Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You
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Credit: Dale Carnegie
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Chapters:
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1. Principle 4: Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
2. Principle 5: Smile
3. Principle 6: Remember That A Person's Name Is To That Person The Sweetest And Most Important Sound In Any Language
4. Principle 7: Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Principle 8: Talk In Terms Of The Other Person's Interests
6. Principle 9: Make the Other Person Feel Important—And Do It Sincerely
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Principle 4: Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
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Carnegie says you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
He mentioned psychologist Alfred Adler: It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from such individuals that all human failures spring.
I've been using this principle with a thought that I keep in mind. Everyone has an interesting story—a mistake that they've made that I could learn from. They have success that I may be able to replicate. Only by becoming interested in other people can you find these things out.
Implementing this principle will make your conversations deeper.
A Roman poet, Publilius Cyrus, said that we are interested in others when they are interested in us. You strengthen quality friendships this way by overcoming the basic conversations that we usually limit ourselves to.
A practical way that you can implement this principle is simply by asking the other person more questions. See where the conversation ends up, and you'll probably find something that really interests you. The other person will feel fantastic about the attention you're giving them, and maybe you'll learn a thing or two.
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Principle 5: Smile
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Carnegie says that happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions; it depends on inner conditions.
It isn't what you have, who you are, where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy.
or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
He mentions telephone customer service training where members of staff are instructed to smile as they talk on the phone because your smile comes out through your voice when you talk.
What if you don't feel like smiling?
Carnegie mentions a quote from psychologist William James; thus, the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness if our cheerfulness is lost is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. Fake it till you make it.
We know that fake it till you make it actually works because it starts a positive feedback loop. You fake the cheerfulness and smile; suddenly everyone is smiling back at you, and the pleasantness of the situation actually causes your smile to become real.
Force yourself to smile, and then think about how stupid it is to actually fake a smile, and then you'll be finding yourself smiling naturally. Remember to force this smile anytime you see your phone ring. If you force a smile and answer the phone, the other person will just think that you are very happy to speak to them. Your energy will become so much more pleasant, and then the other person will likely feel the same way.
Implementing this principle and smiling more will undoubtedly make other people smile back at you. It will make you feel a lot more connected in your community, and in fact, I personally think this principle has changed my life.
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Principle 6: Remember That A Person's Name Is To That Person The Sweetest And Most Important Sound In Any Language
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Carnegie says that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on Earth put together.
Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment.
He mentions Andrew Carnegie, who learnt the astounding importance people place on their own names at just the age of 10. He had a whole nest of little rabbits and nothing to feed them, so he convinced his neighbourhood friends to go out and pick some dandelion, some food for the rabbits, and in return he would name the little rabbits after those kids using people's names.
In the middle of a conversation, it does feel a little bit awkward when you first start, but you'll find that people do seem way more receptive to you when you do use their name.
Implementing this principle will make the people you speak to feel more connected and more important to you. Remembering their name is almost like crazy between two people, and now you're probably thinking, Okay, well, how do I actually begin to remember people's names effectively? I don't think there's any secret tactic; it just takes a little more intention.
Carnegie says that most people don't remember names for the simple reason that they don't take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names in their minds, so it's likely that you'll improve the ability to remember someone's name if you just care about it more and you put more intention into remembering their name.
Remain mindful of the significance that we place on our names and carry this thought around with you.
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Principle 7: Be a Good Listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
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Carnegie says if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.
To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering; encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
He mentions Edward Bach, a Dutch immigrant boy living in poverty. He had nothing to his name, but he began corresponding with really famous people. How did he do that? By encouraging them to talk about themselves, he wrote letters to people like Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, asking them about details of their childhood. By just being a good listener, a poor boy with seemingly no future became a welcome guest in distinguished people's homes.
Here's the deal. We love talking about ourselves much more than we like to listen, but if you become the person who enjoys listening and gets people talking about themselves, they'll love talking to you.
You can implement this principle, and you will immediately notice how your conversations change. People will open up about private parts of their lives, and then they'll probably tell you that they've never really spoken about these things before. If you implement this principle, you're actually doing a fantastic service. Sometimes we need to talk to someone who's a great listener, someone who doesn't just want to talk back, and you can become that person for your friends or family, making them grateful for you.
There is a downside to this. The people that you speak to may not be great listeners to what you have to say; it might feel unbalanced like they're doing all the talking and you're doing all the listening. When is it your turn to do the talking? I've certainly noticed this myself. I think that's because the average person has more of a need to talk and get things out of their mind than their need to listen.
Really, the more people who read this book, the more great listeners that we will encounter. That's why I think this book should be recommended to everyone, and that is why I made this guide. The world would generally be a better place if more people tried to implement these principles, so consider sharing this book with someone.
Maybe lend them your book or even order the book for them on Amazon or send them a link to this guide. If they internalise it, then that's your benefit. You've now got someone who has become a great listener to what you have to say.
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Principle 8: Talk In Terms Of The Other Person's Interests
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Carnegie mentions how guests of Theodore Roosevelt were always astonished at his wide range of knowledge. Particularly in the things that they were interested in. Roosevelt admitted his secret: he would stay up late and read up on the subjects that he knew his guests were interested in. In Carnegie's words, for Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things that he or she treasures most.
I have some advice on implementing this principle, and this is my exact method on how I perform outstandingly in jobs and use it before the interview or even the initial phone call. I always do extra research on the organisation or person. You can always find what they're interested in online, and when you mention it in the interview, they're impressed; they appreciate the fact that you took the time to research them and get a bit more knowledge on what they are interested in.
Implementing this principle is a surefire way of never running out of things to talk about. If you focus on their interests and use the previous principle of being a good listener and encouraging them to talk about themselves, you won't have to talk much at all, and you'll learn a lot of new knowledge and information about hobbies and activities that you may not have known.
You never know where these kinds of conversations could lead. You'll find that it's quite common for people to briefly mention something that they're really interested in in the middle of a conversation, and when you pick up on that and you ask them a question about that interest, their eyes light up like they've wanted to talk about this stuff for a while but no one has asked them.
No one has spoken in terms of their interests; they don't get to speak about what they are most interested in very often, so pay them that favour, and sometimes they even invite you to join them with that interest.
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Principle 9: Make the Other Person Feel Important—And Do It Sincerely
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Carnegie says probably the most important rule of all is to do onto others as you would have others do unto you. You want recognition of your true worth. You crave sincere appreciation. So give that to others.
Carnegie mentions a restaurant owner in France who used this principle of making the other person feel important. A key employee had sent in her response, but the restaurant owner was able to make her withdraw it simply by making her feel important. He told her that she meant a great deal to the success of the restaurant, and he said this in front of the entire staff.
You'll find that if you just switch up your thing, thinking everyone is in some way a cog, a vital piece to the bigger picture. Bin men, janitors, and receptionists all play an important role but aren't really appreciated.
Now that you're keeping this principle in mind, you can be the person that makes them feel important. Just think about what they're contributing to and thank them for it. Implementing this principle is a straightforward way of making people appreciate their efforts.
If you yourself want appreciation and a feeling of importance in this world, do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
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Part Three: How To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking