Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
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Credit: Dale Carnegie
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Chapters:
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Introduction
Principle 1: Don't criticise, condemn, or complain.
Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
Principle 3: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
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Introduction
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In this guide, we'll be going over the principles outlined in the fantastic book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Whether you've read the book already or you've yet to learn the fundamental social skills, this guide is packed full of value and actionable steps that'll have you making friends faster and easier than ever. You'll improve your coaching and mentoring skills while becoming a better entertainer and more empathetic listener. There's something for everyone in this guide.
We'll be going over the 30 principles of social success. Before we start, Dale Carnegie himself said that there is one magic requirement to get the most out of this book. That is a deep, driving desire to learn with a vigorous determination to improve your social skills. He suggests that you constantly remind yourself of how important these principles are and how much you would like a richer social life.
So here's a quick exercise. Imagine meeting a new person. Imagine this person in your head. What would they look like? What would they sound like?
Now imagine that you had put in some work and effort to increase your social skills so that you could better manage a conversation with this new person that you're meeting. You're having a conversation with this person, which makes them feel appreciated and important. It makes that person feel grateful for you; they would be so glad they met you because you have taken the time to invest to level up your social skills.
Your conversation with this person would genuinely make them feel good about themselves; that's amazing. We're spreading positivity here by learning the principles from this book, so well done for taking the first step in improving your social skills.
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Principle 1: Don't criticise, condemn, or complain.
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Carnegie says any fool can criticise, condemn, and complain, and most fools do, but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
He mentions Abraham Lincoln's saying, Judge not that you, be not judged. Lincoln had a whole lot of reasons to judge other people, yet he never did. He said don't criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances, and that makes sense.
If all of the circumstances, like the lifelong history, the thought processes, and the environmental factors, were the same, you must have acted in the same way as them. So we can't criticise someone for doing something we would do if we were in the exact same situation as them.
This principle may actually be quite difficult to implement because it's actually much easier to be negative to someone who has messed up. It's harder but therefore better for us to hold our judgements back and try our best to understand why they do what they do.
Following this principle will turn you into a more kind person. The challenge of being kind is not exactly at this moment but when our natural instinct is to criticize. So keep this new mentality of not criticising, condemning, or complaining about someone, and you'll find that you become a more kind, empathetic person.
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Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
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Carnegie says we nourish the bodies of our children, friends, and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
He mentions Charles Schwab, president of the United States Steel Company in 1921, who said, "I have yet to find the person who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism."
Humans learn through positive reinforcement. We know that to be true through countless psychological studies. If you want someone to be happy behaving in a certain way, encourage that behaviour through honest appreciation. Tell them and show them that you are grateful for what they are doing.
All of our associates, be they workers in shops, factories, or families and friends, are human beings, and they all have a hunger for appreciation. Carnegie suggests leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. So try that next time you're in a shop and you see a staff member working hard. Give them appreciation next time you get a lovely meal or fantastic service in a restaurant; tell them thank them for it. You'll be spreading positivity around your community, and I bet that person will smile about it.
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Principle 3: Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
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Carnegie says tomorrow you may want to persuade someone to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself. How can I make this person want to do it?
He mentions a quote from Henry Ford and some of the best relationship advice he's ever heard. If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own.
Instead of discussion or threat, when a young child was protesting about going to kindergarten, a member of Dale Carnegie's course tried something different. He and his wife started finger painting and having lots of fun whilst telling his child about all of the things he would get to enjoy in kindergarten.
This principle is all about motivating the other person to put yourself in their shoes and think about their desires. What arouses an eager want in them?
This is very important in business; this is why companies do target market research. To see what the customer wants. It's never about what your company wants; it's about fulfilling the needs and wants of the customer.
This principle is very similar to Law 13 of the 48 Laws of Power. When asking for help, appeal to people's self-interest, never to their mercy or gratitude. Emphasise what they will get out of it. So you can practically implement this principle by being mindful of the needs and the wants of the person in front of you and talking about that.
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